Out of the Black Read online

  “Let me lend you the money,” she said. “You can settle with him and pay me when—”

  “No.”

  “—ever you can.”

  “I don’t want to do that.”

  “What you don’t want is to owe these people money.”

  “I don’t want to owe money to anyone,” I said. “That includes you.”

  Carrie stopped talking and turned away. “I should go. I’ll stop by in the morning and walk Anna to school.”

  “I’ll take her,” I said. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “Are you sure?”

  I told her I was.

  Carrie nodded and grabbed her coat from the arm of the couch. I stood by the door, watching her slide it on, and tried to think of something else to say, but all I could do was stand there and hold the door as she walked out.

  When she got to the bottom of the steps, she stopped and turned back. “Just so you know, I gave her a camera. It’s an old Polaroid I found. She really loves it.”

  “I bet s end up dead in an alley of my 181he does.”

  Carrie started to turn away.

  This time I stopped her.

  “How was she tonight?”

  “She missed you.”

  I nodded, ignoring the empty feeling the words left behind, and said, “Other than that.”

  Carrie took a deep breath and let it out slow. “We worked on her reading and her numbers and she did great. She’s progressing, Matt. I think she’s going to be fine.”

  I smiled and felt my throat get tight. For a second I couldn’t speak at all. When I finally found my voice, all I could say was, “Thank you.”

  We stood for a moment longer, silent, letting the snow fall soft and slow around us. Then Carrie raised one hand and turned away, crossing the street to her house.

  I watched her until she was safely inside. Then I stepped back and closed the door.

  Anna’s room was at the end of the hall. I stopped outside her door. There was a new handwritten sign tacked halfway up that read No Boys Allowed!!! Then underneath it, in smaller letters, the words This means you, Daddy!

  I smiled and pushed the door open.

  The light from the hallway slid across the room. Dash, Anna’s Jack Russell, was lying at the foot of the bed. I could see the two white spots on his back, and I thought about the day I brought him home, and how Anna had said they looked like big snowflakes—the same but different.

  She was right.

  I stepped closer, and Dash growled.

  I put a finger to my lips and shushed him.

  He growled louder, showed teeth.

  Anna was on her side, asleep, with one arm slung over her head. I sat on the edge of the bed next to Dash, who made one last growling effort to scare me off. When it didn’t work, he got up and moved to the other side, away from me.

  I lifted Anna’s arm away from her face and watched her sleep. The light from the hallway shone warm against her skin. I reached up and ran my finger along the scar just above her eyebrow, tracing the jagged pink line until it curved and disappeared under her hairline.

  Anna stirred. “Daddy?”

  Dash sat up, grunted.

  “I’m here, baby.” I brushed the hair from her face. “Go back tD/xhtml11.dtd"

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  I turn off the shower and I can hear her in the room. I pull back the curtain. She’s standing at the sink, leaning into the mirror, tracing the thin lines around the edges of her eyes with her fingertip.

  I say, “You’re beautiful.”

  She says, “I swear these weren’t here yesterday.”

  I reach for my towel and wrap it around my waist. The air is warm and wet and I can smell the morning coffee drifting in from the kitchen where Anna is eating her breakfast and singing.

  Beth is wearing her blue dress, the one I love. The fabric is thin, faded by wear, but the way it slides over her skin when she moves makes me ache inside.

  I stand behind her and run my hands down her back, stopping at her hips. Then I press against her and kiss her neck.

  She makes a warm sound, closes her eyes.

  “Do you have to go?” I ask.

  “Yes.”

  I breathe against her neck, my lips barely touching her skin. “I wish you didn’t.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  I kiss her again then reach down and slowly lift her dress up over her hips.

  “Hey.”

  A whisper.

  Beth pushes back, and the sound she makes burns through me in the most perfect way.

  “I love you,” I say.

  Beth breathes hard, leans forward. As she does, a drop, like a single tear, falls dark and lands red in the clean white sink.

  Then another.

  I stop moving and watch her in the mirror. Her head is down, and her hair falls forward, covering her face.

  She doesn’t speak.

  “Are you okay?” I ask.

  More drops, and now the sink is red with blood.

  I step back and move the hair from her face, still watching her in the mirror. “Hey, look at me.”

  Beth lifts her head, slow, and at first, all I see is the blood. Then I notice her eyes, dark and rimmed with shadows, staring out at me from behind a veil of hair.

  I step back, feeling the scream build inside me.

  Beth smiles, showing rows of dark, broken teeth.

  Again, I want to scream, but the only sound I hear is the cold rush of air in her throat as she opens her mouth and—

  “Daddy?”

  “Daddy?”

  I opened my eyes.

  There was a click, a flash, and I was blind.

  I sat up fast, kicking the sheets away. Xpa, Matt. “What the—”

  Anna laughed, and the tiny motor in the camera spun. “Look what Carrie gave me.” She set the camera on the bed and pulled the swirled gray photo out and handed it to me. “This one’s for you. It takes a few minutes.”

  “Thank you.” I felt a sharp pain behind my eyes, and my heart was pounding heavy against my ribs. “Are you hungry?”

  “I made toast.” She looked at me, frowned. “You stayed out late.”

  “Yes I did.”

  “Are you hungover?”

  It wasn’t a question I was expecting, and definitely not one I was ready to answer, so I didn’t. “What did you and Carrie do last night?”

  Before she could say anything, the phone rang in the kitchen. Anna picked up her camera and looked down at Dash waiting by her feet. “Come on, boy.”

  She ran out, and he followed, his nails clicking across the floor after her.

  Once she was gone, I leaned forward, elbows on knees, and rested my head in my hands. The pain was fading some, but the dream was still fresh in my mind. I closed my eyes against the images and tried to will them away.

  I knew that eventually they would fade—they always did—but never fast enough.

  I heard Anna pick up the phone, but I didn’t move until she called me. “Daddy, it’s Grandpa.”

  “Shit.”

  I eased out of bed and looked around for my pants. I found them on the floor in the corner of the room and slid them on. Then I grabbed a clean shirt from the drawer and walked out into the kitchen and the start of my day.

  Anna was standing at the counter with a box of dog treats in one hand and the phone in the other. Dash was at her feet, jumping up and down, whining, but she was focused on the phone and didn’t seem to notice.

  “No, he’s here,” she said. “I love you, too. Okay, bye, Grandpa.”

  She handed me the phone.

  I covered the receiver with my palm and said, “Go get ready for school. We’ll leave in a minute.”

  “Okay.” She held out a treat for Dash, who devoured it in two bites. Then they both disappeared down the hallway.

  I closed my eyes and put the phone to my ear. “Morning, Jerry.”

  “She sounds good today. Got a spark in her voice.”

  “She
’s getting there,” I said. “Better every day.”

  “That’s wonderful, Matt.” He paused. “How about you?”

  “Good days and bad.”

  “You don’t sound so good.”

  “Long night.” I grabbed a glass from the cabinet and filled it with water. “Listen, I’ve got to walk Anna to school. Was there something you needed, or can we—”

  “Just checking in,” he said. “I wanted to see how the job hunt was coming along. Any luck?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Sorry to hear it.”

  There was no trace of sincerity in his voice, and end up dead in an alleypa, Matt. I could feel myself start to say something I knew I’d regret. I managed to stop before I did, but the urge was still there. I put the glass to my lips and drank until it was empty. Then I filled it again.

  “Any prospects?”

  “No,” I said. “I’ll hit the labor office after I drop Anna at school. Maybe I’ll get lucky. If not, I’ll keep looking.”

  Jerry exhaled, long and slow. “Have you given any more thought to what we discussed?”

  A thin stab of pain formed in the center of my head, and I closed my eyes. “No, and I’m not going to.”

  “It wouldn’t be permanent,” he said. “Just until you’re back on your feet.”

  “No, Jerry.”

  “I’m only thinking about what’s best for Anna. It’s not—”

  “I know what’s best for Anna.”

  “Of course you do, but let’s be honest about the situation. You almost lost your house. You two were one step away from living out of your van.”

  “It never came to that.”

  Jerry hesitated. “Not this time.”

  “It never will. I took care of it.”

  “I never said you don’t do what needs to be done. You’re a good father, Matt, but everyone has rough patches. All we want to do is help.”

  I felt the anger build inside me, and I pushed it back the best I could. “Thanks, but we’re fine.”

  Jerry was quiet for a moment. When he spoke again, his voice was soft. “I’m afraid Dorothy is going to insist.”

  I laughed. “Let her. It doesn’t change anything.”

  “Matt, I—”

  “Anna is my daughter. She stays with me.”

  “Dorothy’s not going to let this go.”

  “She’d better.”

  “Matt.” He paused. “You and I both know we have a strong case. The lawyers we’ve talked to—”

  “The lawyers?” I started to say more, but Anna was in the next room, and I didn’t trust myself not to yell. “You have lawyers now?”

  “Anna’s well-being is important to us, and we’ll go as far as we need to go. Don’t make us drag everything out into the light over this. That won’t be good for anyone.”

  “Jesus, Jerry.”

  “Once you’re back on your feet—”

  “I haven’t been on my feet since the accident. There are no jobs out there. What makes you think that’ll change anytime soon?”

  “Because it has to,” he said. “Even if it doesn’t, I know what kind of man you are. You’ll figure it out.”

  “What kind of man is that?”

  “The kind that will do whatever it takes to keep his family together.”

  “You mean what’s left of it.”

  The second the words were out of my mouth, I regrettes. Don’t worry.”’ased them. Jerry didn’t say anything, but I could tell I’d hit a nerve. Part of me felt bad, but it was a small part.

  “Tell me something, Jerry,” I said. “If Beth were still alive, would you two still be doing this?”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I’m asking if you and Dorothy are pushing so hard to take my daughter because you want to fill the hole left behind after yours died.”

  “This has nothing to do with Beth.”

  “Is that true? Because it looks—”

  “Goddamn it, Matt.” Jerry’s voice shook. “We’re trying to do what’s best for our granddaughter, that’s all.”

  “You keep saying that.”

  Jerry was quiet. “It doesn’t have to be this way. We’re version="1.0"

  5

  Anna held my hand all the way to school, and she didn’t say anything until we stopped out front and I knelt down to give her a hug.

  “Why were you fighting with Grandpa?”

  “We weren’t fighting,” I said. “We were having a discussion.”

  “About me?”

  “About a lot of things.”

  She looked down, silent. “I don’t want them to take me away from you.”

  “What?” I reached out and lifted her chin. There were tears in her eyes. “Nobody is going to take you away.”

  “I heard you tell Grandpa—”

  “They want you to come stay with them for a while, that’s all.”

  “What about you?”

  I tried to smile, but it didn’t work. “No, not me.”

  “What about Dash?”

  “I don’t think Dash would let you go anywhere without him, do you?”

  Anna seemed to think about it for a moment. Then she said, “He’d like it up there. Lots of squirrels to chase.”

  “How about you?” I asked. “Would you like it there?”

  She shook her head, slow.

  “Are you sure?”

  “I want to stay with you.” of yellow legal paper">okke

  “Then you’ll stay with me,” I said. “Just the two of us.”

  “And Dash.”

  “Right, the three of us.”

  The bell rang. Anna stepped closer and wrapped her arms around my neck. “I’ve got to go now. Bye, Daddy.”

  “Bye, sweetheart.”

  She kissed my cheek and ran up the steps to the front of the school. When she got to the doors, she looked back and waved.

  Then she was gone.

  I stood outside for a while longer as crowds of parents and kids shuffled past me. Then I looked at my watch and started walking.

  The labor office handed out the day’s jobs first thing in the morning, and once they were gone, they were gone. If I wanted to work, I had to hurry.

  The nearest bus stop was two blocks over. I was halfway there when I saw Jimmy Murphy standing on the curb, leaning against a familiar black-and-gold Chevy Tahoe.

  For a second, I considered turning around and finding another way, but it was too late. He saw me, and as I got closer, he stepped out and opened his arms, as if welcoming me home.

  “Matt Caine.” He smiled, showed teeth. “Just the man I’m looking for.”

  “I don’t have time, Jimmy.”

  “No problem,” he said. “I’ll walk with you.”

  I knew I didn’t have a choice, so I kept quiet.

  “You know, Brian thought coming down here would be a waste of time, but I had a hunch you’d be around sooner or later.” He motioned back toward the school. “You can avoid phone calls, but you can’t avoid school days, am I right?”

  “What do you want?”

  “Just checking in.” He took a wrinkled brown cigarette from behind his ear and lit it as we walked. “How’s life treating you these days? Last time we talked, things weren’t so good.”

  “Better now.”

  “Good to hear it,” he said. “You paid those bills you were worried about? Kept the house?”

  I told him I did.

  Jimmy nodded. “I’ve always thought it was important for all of us to stick together. You know we were worried about you.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Hard times for everyone these days,” he said. “It must be even tougher with a kid to worry about.”

  I stopped walking, stared at him.

  He raised his hands. “We’re just talking.”

  “Then make your point.”

  Jimmy put the cigarette to his lips and inhaled deep. “Shit, this isn’t going the way I hoped. I’d like to start over. Can we do that?
”

  I waited.

  “I came down here to pass along a friendly reminder to pay back the loan. You’re coming up on two months, and—”

  “I know how long it’s been.”

  “—things are starting to pile up.”

  I looked at my watch, was standing in the doorways out of started walking again.

  Jimmy kept pace. “I thought you should know that Brian is concerned. And since you’re not returning his calls—”

  “Tell him it’s coming.”

  “He’ll be happy to hear it,” Jimmy said. “I’ll let him know you’ll stop by this week. Sound good to you?”

  “It won’t be this week.”

  Jimmy hesitated. “I feel like I should remind you that the vig doubles next week. After that, we start getting into some serious—”

  “Fuck, Jimmy.” I turned on him fast but he didn’t flinch. “I know what I owe, and I told you it was coming. That’s what you need to tell your brother. If he has a problem with that answer then he can get off his ass and come talk to me himself next time.”

  I turned away, but Jimmy grabbed my arm.

  His grip was strong.

  I looked down at his hand then up at him.

  Jimmy let go, and when he spoke next, his voice was even and calm. “I’m glad you’re aware of the situation, Matt. That makes this a lot easier. Some people I have to explain things to.”

  “Not me.”

  “No, not you,” he said. “But I don’t think you’re seeing the entire picture.”

  I started to say something, but Jimmy held up his hand, stopping me.

  “When you don’t return Brian’s calls, or when you yell at me out here like this for everyone to see, word gets around.” He pointed to the row of walk-ups lining the street. “Most people around here don’t know our history. They don’t know that Brian will tolerate shit from you that he won’t tolerate from them.”

  “Not my problem.”

  Jimmy nodded. “You’re right, it’s not your problem. It’s mine, and it’s Brian’s.” He held up one finger. “But if you don’t settle this account soon, it’ll be a problem for all of us. Do you understand what I’m saying? Because I need you to tell me you understand.”

  “Yeah,” I said. “I understand.”

  Jimmy took another drag off the cigarette then flicked it end over end into the street. “Brian can only do so much. Eventually, the partners are going to start asking questions, and then all of this will be out of his hands.” He paused. “When that happens, I’d hate to be the one to have to come find you.”